****Important Warning****: Avert your eyes and try not to read this crap
ok, so looks like I'm starting to update more regularly (don't get your hopes up this won't last for long)...I honestly have no clue who I'm talking to its not like anyone reads this....well I've decided that I've been ehre long enough without truly torturing you, so in a misguided attempt to get the crap out of my mind I'm going to post some of my old poems/journal writings in here......if horrible poety and depressingly pathetic writing cause you pain I suggest you skip this post. ok here goes:
I scream feeling nothing
Falling slowly into oblivion
I feel the smoke sear my lungs
Slamming me with a shot of nostolgia
I shake with frustration
Hating what I've become
I reduce myself to thins again
Concerning nothing
I know what is wrong
Slicing my insides
I torture my mind
Crying without knowing
I hear the footsteps of reason
Silencing myself in anger
I act like everything is alright
by 'Jade' summer 2004
Ramdom Ramblings - May 28, 2005 through July 9, 2005
......and so I sit here , after reading Eliot of Woolf , suddely inspired by their greatness - or by my own depression - wondering: What is the point of all this? It seems like everything and yet it is nothing...it doesn't matter whether you talk to people, flirt with guys, pass or fail a paper - or a course....The world around us continues, and I will live with the realization that I have missed out. I lost my chance at so many things and for what? There's no going back, no way to try again. And my mind echoes 'what was the point?'
So, I'll end up with a piece of paper that is supposed to mean something - recollect fondly (or not) on my 'university days' and the so-called revels of youth...but really what was the poing. Will it matter in 5 years - 10 years - or even 20 that I was here....will there be some kind of recompensense for all I have given up to get where I am?
I wish I knew. I wish I knew if it actually mattered - if one day I could look back and know that it was worth it...that sacrificing the first 23 year of my life would be worth it. But I can't know...and I have a growing suspicion that I'll look back and regret the time I've wastedbeing someone I'm not. I tried to change once, but how can you stop once you've conditioned yourself to act a certian way - How can you be yourself if you can't remember who that is anymore?.......
......and I know I need to find some sort of passion, somthing, ANYTHING, which will bring me back from what I've become....from this automated shell, this illusion of happiness that everyone else sees. Something I read by Findley captured this feeling, this need: "He who jumps to his death has cause, he who leaps has purpose." I'm not suicidal...well not really....but this is what I mean. I need something to make me feel - cry, laugh, scream, yell - something other than this monotomous existance in which I live...Sometimes I think I would have to change towns to do thins...move to a new city where no one knows me or cares...I'd change how I look - maybe go for a darker look, dye and streak my hair, get some more piercings and and maybe even some tatoos - and see if people expect less of me, see if I can bee myself, if I can change what I am so I'm comfortable in my own skin...well really no sense thinking about it, unfortunately its just a dream......
Ok, well the 'random ramblings' I included are entries of writing that influences my the most in the past year...you could say that writing them brought me to rather large realizations about my life and where it was headed...not that I've changed it's course much, but now at least I'm aware of how bad things were getting...yeah I'm still quite depressed most of the time and my life generally sucks, but I no longer make myselfact like everything is ok all the time - well I still do it sometimes but I'm getting there..so that's the end of todays post...I hope I haven't damaged anyones eyesight/mind with the abouve post...but if I did its your own fault cause I did warn you. Anyway, I need sleep....at least this post wasn't as depressing of the last :)
Sweet Dreams,
Jade
I scream feeling nothing
Falling slowly into oblivion
I feel the smoke sear my lungs
Slamming me with a shot of nostolgia
I shake with frustration
Hating what I've become
I reduce myself to thins again
Concerning nothing
I know what is wrong
Slicing my insides
I torture my mind
Crying without knowing
I hear the footsteps of reason
Silencing myself in anger
I act like everything is alright
by 'Jade' summer 2004
Ramdom Ramblings - May 28, 2005 through July 9, 2005
......and so I sit here , after reading Eliot of Woolf , suddely inspired by their greatness - or by my own depression - wondering: What is the point of all this? It seems like everything and yet it is nothing...it doesn't matter whether you talk to people, flirt with guys, pass or fail a paper - or a course....The world around us continues, and I will live with the realization that I have missed out. I lost my chance at so many things and for what? There's no going back, no way to try again. And my mind echoes 'what was the point?'
So, I'll end up with a piece of paper that is supposed to mean something - recollect fondly (or not) on my 'university days' and the so-called revels of youth...but really what was the poing. Will it matter in 5 years - 10 years - or even 20 that I was here....will there be some kind of recompensense for all I have given up to get where I am?
I wish I knew. I wish I knew if it actually mattered - if one day I could look back and know that it was worth it...that sacrificing the first 23 year of my life would be worth it. But I can't know...and I have a growing suspicion that I'll look back and regret the time I've wastedbeing someone I'm not. I tried to change once, but how can you stop once you've conditioned yourself to act a certian way - How can you be yourself if you can't remember who that is anymore?.......
......and I know I need to find some sort of passion, somthing, ANYTHING, which will bring me back from what I've become....from this automated shell, this illusion of happiness that everyone else sees. Something I read by Findley captured this feeling, this need: "He who jumps to his death has cause, he who leaps has purpose." I'm not suicidal...well not really....but this is what I mean. I need something to make me feel - cry, laugh, scream, yell - something other than this monotomous existance in which I live...Sometimes I think I would have to change towns to do thins...move to a new city where no one knows me or cares...I'd change how I look - maybe go for a darker look, dye and streak my hair, get some more piercings and and maybe even some tatoos - and see if people expect less of me, see if I can bee myself, if I can change what I am so I'm comfortable in my own skin...well really no sense thinking about it, unfortunately its just a dream......
Ok, well the 'random ramblings' I included are entries of writing that influences my the most in the past year...you could say that writing them brought me to rather large realizations about my life and where it was headed...not that I've changed it's course much, but now at least I'm aware of how bad things were getting...yeah I'm still quite depressed most of the time and my life generally sucks, but I no longer make myselfact like everything is ok all the time - well I still do it sometimes but I'm getting there..so that's the end of todays post...I hope I haven't damaged anyones eyesight/mind with the abouve post...but if I did its your own fault cause I did warn you. Anyway, I need sleep....at least this post wasn't as depressing of the last :)
Sweet Dreams,
Jade
posted by Jade at 10:28 PM
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