thoughts on living alone

Hey all,

So I know I wasn't going to write for awhile, but I'm in a bit of a funk. This past month has completely sucked...I feel so drained, so depressed, and...so alone. I've never really felt this isolated before, I mean I'm pretty independant most days, but for the past month I've felt like something is missing. And while I know I'm feeling more lonely than usual right now because it's the holidays and I barely see my friends anymore, I'm also thinking it might be because I need someone. I can honestly say I don't have much experience when it come to men, I've never had a boyfriend and what I have done is limited to stupid things I've done in clubs...and over the years I've decided that I don't need a man to be content with life. But then I remember what it feels like to be held by someone, and how great some guys smell.....and I realize that it would be nice to have someone in my life that was around simply because they wanted me (not because they wanted something or needed my help with something). Just someone who would be content to Talk, Joke, Laugh, Walk in silence, or Hold me for no other reason than they want to.
I know this post seems a little bit odd given my pervious posts, but with everything else going on in life right now it's what I'm feeling. I've realized that my university life is alomst over and that soon I'm not going to have what little comfort I get from the friends I have now, because although I am finishing my studieds most of my friends either have plans to continue their schooling or already have jobs waiting for them out of the province....and I'm still stuck here in limbo. I have no idea what I want to do, the degree that I have earned isn't going to get me any job, and I don't have the funds to continue school. My only options are to either find a job out here and try to save some money....or if that fails to move home (which I have NO desire to do). I wouldn't usually be bothered so much by these thoughts, but I'm so far behind in my studies right now that I'm afraid I won't be able to graduate, and since my so-called friends heard I had mono they haven't called me. I mean I can understand not wanting to get it....but none of them had any problems being around another friend of ours when she had mono last year.
So yeah, I'm sitting here stressed out, depressed, and feeling completely alone watching the 'holiday greetings' commercials on tv where everyone is happy and every girl has a hansome well built guy to hang off of.....and I would get completely drunk to drown away my sorrows but I'm completely broke and have no booze (besides it's not healthy to get wasted alone)...and I'm thinking 'Merry Fucking Christmas'....................hopefully all the cheer ends soon.

Jade