The consequnce of leaping......
"He who jumps to his death has cause, he who leaps has purpose." I'm not suicidal...well not really....but this is what I mean. I need something to make me feel - cry, laugh, scream, yell - something other than this monotomous existance in which I live......(previous post)
Its been awhile since I wrote here last, but I must say life has not gotten any better. I did not find the something I was looking for. I did not leap. And the consequence was terrifying....
I lost all direction. I gave up, hell...suicide was not far from my thinking for a strech of two months. And no one noticed. Not the friends I convinced myself had cared, nor the other people in my life that I've hidden my true being from. No one noticed as I slowly slipped off the radar. As my contact with others dropped from everyday to every few days to once a week. Some noticed when they hadn't heard from me in a few weeks...but I think it was too late then. I was too set in my thinking to have changed by that point.
I don't know if I can explain what happened...I didn't attempt suicide. I thought about it though. I held the cheap kitchen knife to my wrist and just sat there on the bathroom floor for what seemed like forever. I wanted to. I have never felt like I needed something that badly before. So I sat there. I don't know what I was waiting for....maybe some sign oneway or another, but I haven't believed in God since I was 8...so I think divine intervention was out of the question. There was no sign, no intervention, no one. I just sat there and cried until i didn't have anything left to cry and still I sat there.
Eventually I tried to pull myself together. I washed. Dressed. Went to class. Now I'm back with my family...they don't know me. I don't think they ever did. And now I'm different. No matter how long I stare in the mirror searching, I'm not the same girl who left for the city those years ago. I was right, I do regret the sacrifice...I didn't even get the useless paper degree. And now I sit here. Alone again. All my pieces left broken somewhere on a bathroom floor.
J
Its been awhile since I wrote here last, but I must say life has not gotten any better. I did not find the something I was looking for. I did not leap. And the consequence was terrifying....
I lost all direction. I gave up, hell...suicide was not far from my thinking for a strech of two months. And no one noticed. Not the friends I convinced myself had cared, nor the other people in my life that I've hidden my true being from. No one noticed as I slowly slipped off the radar. As my contact with others dropped from everyday to every few days to once a week. Some noticed when they hadn't heard from me in a few weeks...but I think it was too late then. I was too set in my thinking to have changed by that point.
I don't know if I can explain what happened...I didn't attempt suicide. I thought about it though. I held the cheap kitchen knife to my wrist and just sat there on the bathroom floor for what seemed like forever. I wanted to. I have never felt like I needed something that badly before. So I sat there. I don't know what I was waiting for....maybe some sign oneway or another, but I haven't believed in God since I was 8...so I think divine intervention was out of the question. There was no sign, no intervention, no one. I just sat there and cried until i didn't have anything left to cry and still I sat there.
Eventually I tried to pull myself together. I washed. Dressed. Went to class. Now I'm back with my family...they don't know me. I don't think they ever did. And now I'm different. No matter how long I stare in the mirror searching, I'm not the same girl who left for the city those years ago. I was right, I do regret the sacrifice...I didn't even get the useless paper degree. And now I sit here. Alone again. All my pieces left broken somewhere on a bathroom floor.
J
posted by Jade at 11:31 PM
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