Furthest From My Thoughts,

I'm back again. although I'm pretty sure I'm the nly one to read this, but none the less here I am. Life is a strange entitiy. I don't know if I am better or worse since I left that last rather depressing post on here, all I know is I am alive. Here. And I have no idea how I let myself fall to where I am.

I tried everything I could think of not to end up rightwhere I am...working a low paying job which I hated and living at home, deeply in debt, and alone. Sometimes I think fate has it in for my...or perhaps my fear of this end made me what I am today. Who can really tell? And what is the point of rambling on about it you ask? Maybe there is no point other than once I thought I could be somebody. Once I imagined a life where I was moderatly happy. Once I was sure I wouldn't end up 25 and unable to feel, to smile, to know anyone at all.

Once the girl I was dreamed of myths and heroes and reality was furthest from my thoughts.

Jade

Raindrops Burn

I once asked the Sky to Save me and
found raindrops in its wake
Broke the Rules they gave me
Bought a peace they couldn't shake.
For all the pearls you chained me with I couldn't find the wounds.
Yesterday's tears washed away the crime as
Nature's grief could never do.
Some past shadow hides amoungst the mirrors - a reflection or a truth?
What once I thought forgotten lingers languishing in turn.
It slowly steeps inside my soul
Where tears cannot correct.
And now I stand beneath the clouds awaiting
Raindrop's Burn

The consequnce of leaping......

"He who jumps to his death has cause, he who leaps has purpose." I'm not suicidal...well not really....but this is what I mean. I need something to make me feel - cry, laugh, scream, yell - something other than this monotomous existance in which I live......(previous post)

Its been awhile since I wrote here last, but I must say life has not gotten any better. I did not find the something I was looking for. I did not leap. And the consequence was terrifying....

I lost all direction. I gave up, hell...suicide was not far from my thinking for a strech of two months. And no one noticed. Not the friends I convinced myself had cared, nor the other people in my life that I've hidden my true being from. No one noticed as I slowly slipped off the radar. As my contact with others dropped from everyday to every few days to once a week. Some noticed when they hadn't heard from me in a few weeks...but I think it was too late then. I was too set in my thinking to have changed by that point.

I don't know if I can explain what happened...I didn't attempt suicide. I thought about it though. I held the cheap kitchen knife to my wrist and just sat there on the bathroom floor for what seemed like forever. I wanted to. I have never felt like I needed something that badly before. So I sat there. I don't know what I was waiting for....maybe some sign oneway or another, but I haven't believed in God since I was 8...so I think divine intervention was out of the question. There was no sign, no intervention, no one. I just sat there and cried until i didn't have anything left to cry and still I sat there.

Eventually I tried to pull myself together. I washed. Dressed. Went to class. Now I'm back with my family...they don't know me. I don't think they ever did. And now I'm different. No matter how long I stare in the mirror searching, I'm not the same girl who left for the city those years ago. I was right, I do regret the sacrifice...I didn't even get the useless paper degree. And now I sit here. Alone again. All my pieces left broken somewhere on a bathroom floor.

J

****Important Warning****: Avert your eyes and try not to read this crap

ok, so looks like I'm starting to update more regularly (don't get your hopes up this won't last for long)...I honestly have no clue who I'm talking to its not like anyone reads this....well I've decided that I've been ehre long enough without truly torturing you, so in a misguided attempt to get the crap out of my mind I'm going to post some of my old poems/journal writings in here......if horrible poety and depressingly pathetic writing cause you pain I suggest you skip this post. ok here goes:

I scream feeling nothing
Falling slowly into oblivion
I feel the smoke sear my lungs
Slamming me with a shot of nostolgia
I shake with frustration
Hating what I've become
I reduce myself to thins again
Concerning nothing
I know what is wrong
Slicing my insides
I torture my mind
Crying without knowing
I hear the footsteps of reason
Silencing myself in anger
I act like everything is alright

by 'Jade' summer 2004

Ramdom Ramblings - May 28, 2005 through July 9, 2005
......and so I sit here , after reading Eliot of Woolf , suddely inspired by their greatness - or by my own depression - wondering: What is the point of all this? It seems like everything and yet it is nothing...it doesn't matter whether you talk to people, flirt with guys, pass or fail a paper - or a course....The world around us continues, and I will live with the realization that I have missed out. I lost my chance at so many things and for what? There's no going back, no way to try again. And my mind echoes 'what was the point?'
So, I'll end up with a piece of paper that is supposed to mean something - recollect fondly (or not) on my 'university days' and the so-called revels of youth...but really what was the poing. Will it matter in 5 years - 10 years - or even 20 that I was here....will there be some kind of recompensense for all I have given up to get where I am?
I wish I knew. I wish I knew if it actually mattered - if one day I could look back and know that it was worth it...that sacrificing the first 23 year of my life would be worth it. But I can't know...and I have a growing suspicion that I'll look back and regret the time I've wastedbeing someone I'm not. I tried to change once, but how can you stop once you've conditioned yourself to act a certian way - How can you be yourself if you can't remember who that is anymore?.......

......and I know I need to find some sort of passion, somthing, ANYTHING, which will bring me back from what I've become....from this automated shell, this illusion of happiness that everyone else sees. Something I read by Findley captured this feeling, this need: "He who jumps to his death has cause, he who leaps has purpose." I'm not suicidal...well not really....but this is what I mean. I need something to make me feel - cry, laugh, scream, yell - something other than this monotomous existance in which I live...Sometimes I think I would have to change towns to do thins...move to a new city where no one knows me or cares...I'd change how I look - maybe go for a darker look, dye and streak my hair, get some more piercings and and maybe even some tatoos - and see if people expect less of me, see if I can bee myself, if I can change what I am so I'm comfortable in my own skin...well really no sense thinking about it, unfortunately its just a dream......



Ok, well the 'random ramblings' I included are entries of writing that influences my the most in the past year...you could say that writing them brought me to rather large realizations about my life and where it was headed...not that I've changed it's course much, but now at least I'm aware of how bad things were getting...yeah I'm still quite depressed most of the time and my life generally sucks, but I no longer make myselfact like everything is ok all the time - well I still do it sometimes but I'm getting there..so that's the end of todays post...I hope I haven't damaged anyones eyesight/mind with the abouve post...but if I did its your own fault cause I did warn you. Anyway, I need sleep....at least this post wasn't as depressing of the last :)

Sweet Dreams,

Jade

"And then I fell down yelling 'Make it go away!' "

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me? it is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

I’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again
In my sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things
I didn’t do for you Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling “Make it go away!”
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered “How can you do this to me?”


Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you
For you
For you
For you

"Hate Me" - Blue October

So.....not much of a post, life sucks, school sucks, my social life is currently non-existant (mostly by choice because people are stupid and I miss friends who are too far away who "never doubted my intentions on things like suicidal hate" and "made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take" ....so I kinda feel like "driving so fucking far away" that they'll never cross my mind....ok, so I know I probably am relating this song to my life in ways that are nothing near what the original meaing is, but honestly i don't give a fuck, music is supposed to connect with you right. Ok, that's enough bitching from me for now...will try to sound less depressing/suicidal next time...hopefully.....

Yours,

Jade

It's Been Awhile.......

So, apparently I haven't had much time to write lately....actually no, that's a lie. I've had too much time to write but nothing to write about. I mean I could have popped online and moaned and bitched about the pathetic turn my life has taken as of late, but honestly I didn't really see the point. I'm still not too well after my rather long and annoying case of mono...actually it fucked over my defenses enough that I easily got sick agian right after I beat the crap.....I really should have known that would happen. So, I was forced to take a year off from school....I would rather have quit entirely....and try to heal and have a 'relaxing' break (it was anything but)...any now I am in school for the summer to catch up.....

(insert sarcastic comment here)

life sucks...and from the looks of things it will continue to suck through till December, at which point I will have to find employment somewhere using this rather useless degree I have earned....obviously I'm not in a very good mood. Actually I've decided I must have done something increadibly henious in my last life......(ie. was cruel to puppies and stole candy from children while plotting and acting out evil schemes all over the world)......as I firmly believe in Karma, and well, my life speaks for itself. Until another depressive mood hits me....yours entirely,


Jade

thoughts on living alone

Hey all,

So I know I wasn't going to write for awhile, but I'm in a bit of a funk. This past month has completely sucked...I feel so drained, so depressed, and...so alone. I've never really felt this isolated before, I mean I'm pretty independant most days, but for the past month I've felt like something is missing. And while I know I'm feeling more lonely than usual right now because it's the holidays and I barely see my friends anymore, I'm also thinking it might be because I need someone. I can honestly say I don't have much experience when it come to men, I've never had a boyfriend and what I have done is limited to stupid things I've done in clubs...and over the years I've decided that I don't need a man to be content with life. But then I remember what it feels like to be held by someone, and how great some guys smell.....and I realize that it would be nice to have someone in my life that was around simply because they wanted me (not because they wanted something or needed my help with something). Just someone who would be content to Talk, Joke, Laugh, Walk in silence, or Hold me for no other reason than they want to.
I know this post seems a little bit odd given my pervious posts, but with everything else going on in life right now it's what I'm feeling. I've realized that my university life is alomst over and that soon I'm not going to have what little comfort I get from the friends I have now, because although I am finishing my studieds most of my friends either have plans to continue their schooling or already have jobs waiting for them out of the province....and I'm still stuck here in limbo. I have no idea what I want to do, the degree that I have earned isn't going to get me any job, and I don't have the funds to continue school. My only options are to either find a job out here and try to save some money....or if that fails to move home (which I have NO desire to do). I wouldn't usually be bothered so much by these thoughts, but I'm so far behind in my studies right now that I'm afraid I won't be able to graduate, and since my so-called friends heard I had mono they haven't called me. I mean I can understand not wanting to get it....but none of them had any problems being around another friend of ours when she had mono last year.
So yeah, I'm sitting here stressed out, depressed, and feeling completely alone watching the 'holiday greetings' commercials on tv where everyone is happy and every girl has a hansome well built guy to hang off of.....and I would get completely drunk to drown away my sorrows but I'm completely broke and have no booze (besides it's not healthy to get wasted alone)...and I'm thinking 'Merry Fucking Christmas'....................hopefully all the cheer ends soon.

Jade